This if for the words you'll never find

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 03:17:33 GMT

it scares me when she says she feels reckless. and i wish i could make all that go away. because i know when shes been hurt or gets lost she goes out and does something crazy and stupid and that juss makes shit worse for her. because she later regrets it. i wish she would see life in a different prespective. i remember once reading something she wrote. it said "as long as i keep moving, as long i dont have to think about things, i feel okay. its when i slow down that shit gets too hard" theres so many things you dont tell me. but i've read them all in your notebook under your matress. how come you dont tell a soul what your locking up? your eyes tell everyone you're hiding...just admit it to me...tell me you need me tell me you need to tell me whats really going on these past 4 months

when theres no place left to go, maybe thats when you will know

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 03:31:24 GMT

i fucking hate how people take for granted what they have right in front of them. i miss my mom like crazy. you all have no idea what thats like. she wasnt just my mom she was my fucking friend. one of the best ones i had. i miss her more than anything. love what you've got dont bitch and complain about whats not in your life. im sick and tired of hearing it from people. love your family and your friends and the fucking fact that you're alive. you have no idea the pain other people are going through. wake the hell up.

shes got long blonde hair and big blue eyes

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 19:25:41 GMT

What i did was stupid. thats gotta be the dumbest thing i've done ever in my entire life. im turning into my father. ecspecially after evan died. and i regret that whole night. i regret drinking, i regret getting in the car, i regret driving home, i regret going 70, i regret not stopping, i regret not having my seatbelt on. I THANK THE FUCKING LORD IM ALIVE. i broke my nose, but only have one black eye...i have 36 stiches all together. they're on my forhead and along my jaw line, by my ear. i swear to god im so llucky.

the biggest dissapointment..really has to be letting you down. after everything you've done for me. that way you looked at me really hurt me. and even though you were mad at me as much as you hated me in that moment. ... thank you for being there for me. thank you for telling me it'll all be ok. and thank you for getting me help becuz i know i need it. and im goin to those meetins thank you mainly for your support. i love you. you're my best friend. fuck...you're the definition of best friend ...i love you so much <3

everything got so hard this month...

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 02:54:53 GMT

im home again. im staying here cuz things are fucked up back in mi and florida. im sorry i fucked shit up for you.....i really love you i hope everything works out ok.. Mitch...your honestly my best friend. im sorry i fucked shit up. at least talk to me kid. so...theres this girl and i kind of would do anything for her and i want to be with her she means the world to me and nothing less

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 21:27:03 GMT

My mother passed away on September 1st. And one of my best friends passed away September 2nd. I miss them so much......my mom was like my best friend. i was freakishly close to her. she was all i had growing up. im back in mi and left cali because i feel like i need to see my best friends. im really lost right now...

Rest in peace mom i love you and miss you so much
Evan ... you were like a brother to me..i miss you kid..

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 18:43:32 GMT

there was something in the way you turned and looked at me.
i s t a r t e d p a n i c k i n g, i s t a r t e d p a n i c k i n g.
until your hearbeat stopped.. until your body dropped
that will always be my favorite memory of you and me

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:49:20 GMT

yeah i'm never on this anymore..i'll update every now and then and maybe comment in certain people's entries. but if you wanna talk to me or something my sn is nott phat matt im me if you can hold a conversation. i'm an open book and a random kid its not that hard. alright talk to you kids later

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 16:40:11 GMT

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope, he is a gentleman..
And maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town...

When I wake up-
I'm willing to take my chances on
The hope I forget that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you

You Need Him .. I could Be Him
I could be an accident but I'm still tryin
& thats more than I can say for him

Where Is your boy tonight?
I hope, He is a gentleman....
And maybe he wont find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 22:27:49 GMT

Last night...uhh i never meant to take one night that far. but the more i think about it the better i feel. you are amazzingg. i leave michigan tomorrow afternoon and finally head home after a crazzzy week and a half. leaving behind a shit load of stuff i dotn wanna leave...but going home

wanna hang out before i go hit me up tonight

I thought about callin you when I got off the plane...

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:48:00 GMT

Went to Mi last week for about 4 days? My mom bought me the plane tickets, it was awesome of her. So of course we partied like it was 1999 lol dee stupid ass i love you. yeah saw my best friends i missed my crew like crazzzy. Saw the Florida kids too, they happened to be up there for 2 weeks. Crazy partying for a good 4 days straight. lots of puking in tj's house. sorry broah. uh danielle left me in the middle of scottys room without a shirt on in the middle of the floor. it was what 7am and passed out cold on the floor and she just left. thanks "best friend" i forgive you though ;) scotty woke me up the next day and was like dude wtf. it was pretty great. i love it there. but now im home and partying on a balcony till 8am and on beaches. back to bonfires till 4am then getting yelled at to get off the beach when we're making too much noise. i love it here...i missed it. yeah

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 00:23:04 GMT

summers already amazing and its been a day. gettin drunk off my ass tonight at marks party cannot wait. anyways changed my icon. i look kinda goofy. as dee would say but uhh yeah i might change it back to the other one.

im sorry you 2. i was a jackass today.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 00:21:49 GMT

TOMORROW IS THE LAST FUCKING DAY AND THEN IM ON SUMMER VACATION. WHICH MEANS SLEEPING UNTIL I CANT ANYMORE. SURFING UNTIL OUR TOES BLEED. EATING LIKE CRAZY.AND SEEING MY BEST FRIENDS FROM MI. FUCK YES.

The waves are looking perfect. tomorrow after schoool....dude im stoaked

marks huge ass party, gunna be some sweet shittt

i guess you're the only one....who will never change faces...

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 00:48:55 GMT

shits the same. schools almost out. about a week left. makes me happy.

been hangin out with casey from laguna a lot lately...pretty sweet. went to L.A last night and ate dinner with mark luke casey jess and sandy. it was sweet shit

uhh quit AE..just working at the surf shop now. Liked it better anyhow.

I love you best friend. and i know shits hard for you and i dont think its fair at all. you have shitty luck or something. no matter what know i love you. know that i care about you and will always be here for you. if you need anything and i mean ANYTHING. you've got me. just pick up the phone and call.

oh and i completly understand why your afraid. dont think your stupid.

when i come to Mi if i do...we'll hit up the beach alright? in a few days you'll feel a lot better. Iloveyou...

change of plans...

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 01:32:15 GMT

im thinkin about not goin to Mi to see my best friends. for one thing mi ppl annoy the shit outta me. i read peoples ljs on uh someones friends list and they bug me gnarley dude, you dont live in california and you say hella more than i do.. plus danielle always reminds me about how much i hated it there. i know people talk about me and some weird asses put pix of me in their lockers and said i was their boyfriend...thats just weird to me. makes me not wanna go to mi. so im thinkin of lettin you guys come here. you'd have a place to say and shit so let me know if you wanna come. invitation is to everyone who came last year and dee who thinks shes too cool to come and all yall can bring a few people.

let me know. invite starts this weekend niggas

uh i had to get this off my chest cuz it was hurtin gnarly

Mon, 30 May 2005 18:45:18 GMT

Dont be afraid cause
your not something
That i'm willing to lose...

I feel terrible that you always say your fine, but i know deep down your not. I wish i could be there for you like i use to be, drive you around at night whenever you were hurting inside and hold you and tell you everything is okay. because at least then you'd believe me. i know people dont turn out to be who they claimed to be. and things that once seemed so easy for you seem so hard. i know because i watched you go from being the most beautiful happiest girl i knew, to the saddest person who faked every smile and laugh she made. i know that somewhere inside of you your dying and i want it to go away...i wanna make it go away like i use to be able to. that hurts that i cant do that. and people dont understand how much i care about you, because when i first met you i realized how much you care about people, but i realized how little people seem to care about you and so when we started talking i found out how easily i could care for you. and it pissed me off that nobody else cared that much, and everybody that ever did would just leave you and come back whenever they needed advice or a good shoulder to cry on. and you were always there. but I NEVER left you until i moved. and i know im the only one because you've told me that before. but still after i moved i still didnt leave you. i love you and im coming to see you the minute i can. even if its just for a few days, or a night, or 5 minutes. im coming to see you. because it'll make me feel better to see you smile for real. i love you please hang in there. im sorry for everything thats happened to you. im sorry love isnt all its cracked up to be, im sorry your so called best friends are mean to you, but whenever you need me i'm always here for you, unlike them i dont use you. you make me smile and you make me laugh and i need that. i need you and you need me. i love you.

shit.

Sun, 29 May 2005 15:18:24 GMT

Last night...marks...the usual. sweet ass party. except i gotta funny ass phone call about saints. ha my best friends a sweet ass. be careful tonight babe. yah this mornin thought about a lot of shit. about my dad and so im still in love with her....and just...here...

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

if you'd be honest and say what you mean..you know i would promise..id do anything

Mon, 23 May 2005 18:24:43 GMT

yeah cali is starting to grow old ...fast...the people here are starting to bug me. neva thought id say this but i miss MI. i miss my best friends especially danielle..i miss fighting with her i miss playing stupid ass jokes on her and her not even realizing i did cuz shes a dumbass..but i love that dally dont take that wrong. me luke core and mark are plannin a trip over there the week we get outta school, deffinetly a party at jaimes like old times. and hittin up taco bell everyday with mikey.

I dont get you. you act like your always mad at me or something, make me look like i treat you like a jackass. its pretty suckish i dont know. but i dont hate you, i care about you, can you handle that?

Prom was dunzo. Alexa's awesome......yeah thats about it i ate a lot. =)

Moneys better around here so workings not as bad, not as much. started surfing season for me...which is fucking sweet. me and mark are out there everyday.

well i came home from school today cuz i thought fuck that. so im bout to go get some tbell and chill at the beach before i work....

I miss you...........thats fuckin crazy.

It's a long, long way from wrong to right...From Sunday morning to Saturday night...

Wed, 18 May 2005 23:34:01 GMT

damn...I dont get people?

I dont even wanna go to prom...but i gotta since i said yes eh?

Im over kayln....at least i think

I miss my best friend...and i think she can tell cuz i've called her about every single night this week...at least once....i think this calls for a trip ova to Michigan ;) hang in there kid

Money's been better around here, i only work at AE now. Thank you god. Schools almost out, also good. Been surfin like crazy lately, VERY GOOD. Lifes pretty damn good

Tue, 17 May 2005 00:09:51 GMT

So i ended up sayin yes to one of the girls for prom. Since its this weekend i just thought it'd be nice ya know. I felt like a bastard not takin any of them. so uh shes pretty, smart, funny, but we're just friends so thats cool. but dude my car is so dunzo i swear i dont know though, i dont even drive it that much. kinda a waste. lets see my lifes boring...i ate a lot today, felt shitty. slept a lot since i didnt have to work. been workin a lot at american eagle...gotta raise. that was sweet. i cant wait for summer, lets juss hope i pass all my classes cuz ive been sleepin through em. then this summa its surfs up bitch ;) Cant wait

yahh im doin alright...

Thu, 12 May 2005 02:00:24 GMT

uh 4 girls asked me to prom a while back...
i told them all i'd think about it and get back to em...
i never gave em an answer...
i really just wanna go with kay...
shes the only person i ever think about...
i feel bad cuz proms next weekend....
i look like a jackass makin them wait this long already....
they all know about the other girls so they know they might hear a no anyways....

but uh would i look really bad if i told them all no?...

she walks around in circles in my head, waitin for a chance to break me a chance to bring me down

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 23:11:21 GMT

Kay's already gotta new boyfriend. its kinda funny. that things happen so fast maybe. or maybe that i still think i love her. or maybe that i dont know what love is. whatever it is....its kinda funny. she says shes sorry. she says she still loves me. thats pretty funny too.

nothings been new, sorry for the lack of updates, to who ever really does read this? i just work my ass off, mainly at John's dads surf shop.... now im working at american eagle part time too. that makes 2 fucking jobs. im tired all the damn time. but i always have saturday mornings off. so friday you know my ass is drunk. marks parties have been awesome and very much needed lately.

i just wish i could stop seeing her there with him. she's honestly pissin me off more than anything. i dont believe in love anymore. i think its a bunch of bullshit and an overused phrase. other than her i'm a happy fuck. Luke gotta job at Hollister so thats helpin out a lot... and core might get a job and some resturaunt pretty much right on the beach. i can wait for summer. i need time to go surfing again, i'm gunna be able to drop a job soon and life will be pretty damn sweet.

ha my best friend got her license eh? time for her turn to drive to cali and visit MY ASS ;)

You're gone, you're gone, you're gone, you're gone away....

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 01:01:27 GMT

Me and Kayln broke up. She said she needed me and i was never around...i guess she's right though. I dont have time for anyone anymore..not even myself. I think thats the closest to love i've ever been...but i dont wanna talk anymore about it. maybe its good that i work with a broken heart..it keeps me busy so i dont think much about it...i think i love her...i think i always will....and i think she knows that...

Shits been the same. School, Work, Homework really late at night, maybe Sleep if im lucky, Start it all over again. most of the time i fall asleep in school and get bitched at.

I'm really glad i called you the other day...i needed that...i needed you. and i think you need me too. you always were my best friend no matter where i moved to...no matter how much i lied to you you were always there for me. and im still sorry for the bullshit i've put you through for the past few months...i hope things get better for you i just wish i could be there to drive you around at night and talk to you about it like we use to do.

when all your love is gone who will save me from all i'm up against now in this world

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 17:07:34 GMT

i started smoking again...for the first time in about 3 or 4 months. me and my "best friend" we're suppose to quit together. somethings wrong i know it is. i changed my mind maybe i dont like the fact that you've changed...we arent the same. i know i lie to you a lot now...and i'm sorry for it but can we just go back to how we use to be?

Last night my dad called, drunk as all hell, as usual. Said he's comin to us. what fuckin fun that will be. i dont know what to do anymore, about anything, everything kinda fell apart somewhere. Kayln's all i've got. Sandy Amanda Mark Luke and corey are coming home tomorrowand that fixes everything i need my friends spending a week without them was shitty.

Angel's kinda funny, we've been taking care of her since mitch has been in Mi and she doesnt act 13. she acts 18 or 19 maybe. she's way too smart for her age..i mean i fucking talked to her....i'm 17 what the hell. its cuz of mitch i think i need to go back to where i came from...i dont think cali is what i remember it being. i think maybe michigan was home. i just think i forgot that somewhere along the lines. i wanna go back to when i was 14 and mitch was still in mi too. when John still lived at home..when i first met corey and luke was getting old enough to be my best friend. when amber didnt ask me why mom cried at night...when my dad wasn't an alcoholic. when he didnt hit us...when my mom was happy..i think that was home ...i don't think its a place...i think its a moment...i dont think i'll ever be home again...

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 00:45:50 GMT

Damnn No more jokes. I promise you that. Kayln i love you.

Starting over. with everything....